Two Loves
by Liz Jean Tonks
Summary: When Severus Snape joins the Order of the Phoenix, he meets Marlene McKinnon, a girl with red hair and brown eyes that seems to only have one flaw: She's not Lily. As Severus and Marlene grow closer, however, he realizes that she might be the one to snap his heart in two.


**AN: This story is part of the "A Rare Chance at Love"-Challenge, hosted by Angel! My pairing is Marlene McKinnon and Severus Snape, the prompt I chose was: ** Dialogue: "You can't do this! You...you just can't!" Enjoy!**

**Thanks to NinjaDevil2000, my Beta! Be sure to check her out, she's a fantastic writer! **

* * *

"Hide them all, then," he croaked. "Keep her – them – safe. Please."

"And what will you give me in return, Severus?"

"In – in return?" Severus hesitated for a moment before he replied, "Anything."

Dumbledore gave him a long, thoughtful look. He didn't say anything. Severus had the feeling he might stop breathing any moment. "What do you think?" he asked, "Can you – can we keep them safe?"

"You intend on working together with me, Severus?"

Severus didn't need to think this time. "Yes," he said. "Yes, I am."

Dumbledore approached him and Severus watched him eagerly. The old man stretched out his hand; Severus shook it without hesitation.

"Thank you," Severus said.

Dumbledore blinked. "I hope I will not regret this, Severus," he said quietly. "What will you tell your master?"

Severus looked down on the ground, realizing he would lose the Dark Lord, the only man who had ever had faith in him. But then Lily's face appeared in front of his inner eye. "I'll come up with something," he said darkly.

Dumbledore gave him a thoughtful look. "You might not have to tell him anything at all, Severus. I have a plan. It is highly dangerous, very risky, and might end badly for you. Can I rely on you?"

"Dumbledore, I know you don't like me – but if I give someone a promise, I'll keep it." Severus looked straight into Dumbledore's eyes this time.

Dumbledore nodded. "Very well, Severus. Welcome to the Order of the Phoenix."

* * *

It took Dumbledore a while until he introduced Severus officially to the Order; it made Severus wonder whether the man wasn't so sure if he could trust him after all. However, Severus gave Dumbledore no reason to doubt him: Whatever task Dumbledore applied him with, Severus fulfilled it thoroughly.

Now he was standing right next to Dumbledore, ready to be taken to the Headquarters of the Order. Dumbledore looked at him. "Are you sure you're ready?" he asked.

Severus looked at him in confusion. "Yes, why wouldn't I be?"

"Well," Dumbledore said, drawing his wand, "it might be that not everyone will be as welcoming as you might hope."

Before Severus could say anything else, there was a sudden movement and they found themselves standing in front of an old building. Severus looked around; they seemed to be in a Muggle village, one that uncomfortably reminded him of Spinner's End. The house in front of them was small and inconspicuous.

"Follow me, Severus."

Cautiously, Severus entered the house, and the next moment he knew who Dumbledore had been referring to when he had said "not everyone would be welcoming."

Sirius Black leaned against the table in the entrance hall and smirked as he saw Severus.

"Snivellus," he said as Severus walked in, "who would have thought."

"Hello, Dog," Severus said with as much contempt in his voice as Sirius.

Sirius still smirked. "Tell me," he said, "have the Death Eaters scared the daylights out of poor Snivelly? So, he came crawling to Dumbledore, begging him to protect him from the bad boys?"

"I'm warning you," Severus hissed.

Sirius just laughed. "I'm scared," he said, "I bet – " But Dumbledore stepped in before Sirius could continue.

"Let's say we get started with today's meeting. We don't want to sit until midnight again, do we?"

With a last glare at Sirius, Severus followed Dumbledore through a wooden door. He had expected a little chamber behind it; it surprised him to see a large room with a long table.

Dumbledore noticed his confusion. "Undetectable extension charm," he explained, "it looks like any usual Muggle household from outside, but..." He made a sweeping gesture with his arms.

"I know how that charm works," Severus said.

Sirius pushed him aside as he entered the room and sat down on the table. Now, the room started to fill. Three men had already been sitting, now one member after the other entered the room, until twenty men and women were seated at the table.

Dumbledore pointed at the chair right next to his own. "Have a seat, please."  
Just when Severus sat down, the door got pushed open and two people entered. Both faces seemed familiar; There was a girl with red hair, and Severus remembered she had been a year above him at Hogwarts. He couldn't remember her name, but he knew she had been in Ravenclaw. The other face, however, he knew only too well.

And Remus Lupin seemed to recognize him immediately as well. He frowned and gave him a cold look, before he turned to Dumbledore. "We're sorry, Albus," he said, "I hate being late, but we were busy with," he glanced at Severus, "... the task you gave us."

"Remus, there is no reason not to talk openly with us about what you were doing." Dumbledore, too, seemed to have noticed the way Remus looked at Severus and his hesitation. "Did you succeed, at least?"

This time, the red-haired woman answered. "We think we did. We came a little too late; Greyback had already injured the boy, but we arrived in time to heal the wounds, and we think he might get through it. We left him with the Weasleys, and he should be fine."

Dumbledore looked relieved. "That's good news." He drew his wand to conjure a pair of chairs, when Sirius raised from his own chair and offered it to the girl. "Here, have a seat," he said, smiling at her.

She looked at him in surprise. "Oh, thank you." She sat down, and, now sitting on the opposite of Severus, she looked him straight into the eyes, and he in hers.

She turned to Dumbledore, then looked back at Severus. "I don't think we've met, have we?" she asked.

Everything seemed to be quiet at once. Sirius and Remus glared at Severus. He swallowed. He hadn't expected anyone to be glad to see him, but he hadn't thought everyone was going to be giving him the cold shoulder.

"I guess not," he said, "I'm Severus Snape."

"Ah yes, I have heard all about you," she said, but her voice was neutral. "I'm Marlene. Marlene McKinnon."

* * *

"It was a pleasure to meet you," Severus said. The meeting had ended and they all left the room; Severus found himself walking next to Marlene, and now she turned to him.

"Pleasure to me, too." She opened her mouth as if she was going to say something more, but Sirius appeared next to them, and she shut her mouth again. Sirius gave Severus a despising look, but when he talked, his voice was friendly. "Should I accompany you home, Marlene?"

She gave a nervous chuckle. "Thanks, but I think I can watch out for myself, Sirius."

"Oh, that's not what I meant," he said quickly, "I just thought – you can never know – and it's nicer not to be alone, too..."  
Marlene looked at him uncomfortably. "Well, thanks," she said with a smile, "but I'll apparate anyway, so there's no need – it's nice of you, though."

She opened the door and stepped outside. "Goodbye, Snape, I'm sure we'll see each other around. Bye, Sirius."

* * *

When he was at home, Severus tried to get his mind off the meeting, but it was the only thing he could think about. Marlene kept getting back to his mind. She was a very beautiful girl, there was no denying – and the way she had looked at him...

Severus shook his head and couldn't believe himself. Marlene might look nice – she was quite kind, too, but she didn't have green eyes. She wasn't Lily.

He sighed and opened his drawer. Inside, he was keeping a picture of Lily, and ever since he had left Hogwarts, there hadn't been a night he hadn't taken it out to look at it. If only he could see her. But maybe that was a good thing. She had never forgiven him, and seeing her would also mean facing the truth: He had lost Lily forever.

* * *

"I don't care what Dumbledore thinks. I don't trust him."

It was Sunday, and each Sunday a meeting of the Order was scheduled. Severus had just apparated and entered the house, but Sirius and Remus, who stood in the meeting room, didn't seem to notice him.

"He worked for Voldemort and he's a Death Eater. And don't get me started on the stuff he did in school! How can Dumbledore be convinced he has changed his mind just like that?"

"We've got to trust Dumbledore's judgement," Remus said quietly. "He'll have his reasons; he would never allow anyone to join if he wasn't a hundred percent sure that a person is wasn't trustworthy. And don't forget, Snape has been spying for us for a while now, and only to our benefit."

"Great, and that makes him a saint now?"

"That's not what I'm saying. I'm just saying, we can't afford wasting time by thinking about who can and can't be trusted. That's Dumbledore's job."

"Dumbledore's making a big mistake if he trusts him, mark my words," Sirius said darkly. "He doesn't know Snape as well as we do, Remus."

"You can't know how well he knows him."

There was a pause, then Sirius said: "No, I can't. And apparently I don't know you that well, either. I wouldn't have guessed you could ever talk like that about this... prat."

"I'm not trying to defend him, but please don't think about him too much. We've got enough on our minds already."

"Exactly. And it's making me sick to see him sitting on that table, listening to our meetings, while we can't know what he tells his master. Damn, only thinking about him sitting there right next to Dumbledore, and Marlene, makes me feel sick."

"Ah!" Remus gave a little chuckle. "So it's more about Marlene than the Order, hm?"

"Shut up."

Remus didn't shut up, though. "You're unbelievable. I wish James could see you crawling around her."

"I'm not crawling!"

"Yes, you are. That's something I'll tell James. Do you remember taunting him because the only thing he cared about was Lily Evans?"

Severus flinched as he heard Lily's name and his hand formed a fist.

"I'm not caring about Marlene McKinnon."

"Yeah, right, not at all." Remus chuckled again.

There was a loud crack in the entrance. Severus flinched and turned around. He blushed as he looked straight into Marlene's face.

"Hello, Severus Snape," she said, and looking at the clock that was hanging on the wall. "You're here early."

Severus smiled awkwardly. "So are you," he said.

She smiled. "Well, I wanted to make up for last time when I was late. Is anyone already here?"

"I don't – "

The door opened and Sirius and Remus came out.

Sirius smiled when he saw Marlene, but it faded when he spotted Severus. "You're already here," he said.

Severus looked at him provocatively. "Looks like it."

Sirius' eyes narrowed, but then he shrugged. "Whatever." He took Marlene's hand. "Good to see you," he said, "come inside, we can sit down and wait for everybody else."

Marlene gave Severus an apologetic smile as she followed Sirius into the meeting room. Now Remus and Severus were standing alone in the corridor. Severus stared at the floor as if Remus weren't there, and he expected Remus to go inside, but he didn't.

"How long have you been standing here?" he asked.

Severus looked up. "Why do you care?"

"Look, Snape, I don't want to fight with you," Remus said. He eyed Severus thoughtfully. "I don't like you, and I don't understand what you're doing here, but it's not my place to decide who's here and who isn't. So let's not fight."

"I'm not fighting," Severus said calmly. "We are both aiming at the same, don't we?"

"I hope so," Remus said, with a sharp look at Snape, "and you'd better not betray us, because if you do anything that harms the Order, you're a dead man. Sirius would see to that."

"I have no intentions of betraying you," Severus said, his voice trembling. "I want the Dark Lord to be finished just as much as you do!"

Remus' eyes narrowed. "Don't make me laugh," he said. "We all know you've been his servant for quite some time. And we've been at school together, remember? We all know what you think about Muggleborns, and I don't think those views have changed. So watch out, Snape. I don't know your motives, but if you – "

"I understood you the first time," Severus said irritated, "and my motives are none of your business. Who do you think you are, doubting me? You're a werewolf, and you spend half of your time with Fenrir Greyback!"

Remus shook his head, and it was obvious that it took him quite some effort to remain calm. "You're unbelievable. I spent time with my kind because that's what Dumbledore wants me to do. But you're one to talk. Last time I checked, you were serving Voldemort, and I don't care whether it happens on your own wish or on Dumbledore's orders – the thought disgusts me."

Severus had flinched when Remus had mentioned Voldemort's name, but the other one didn't seem to notice. He turned around without another word and left Severus standing in the hall alone.

* * *

During the meeting, Severus tried to ignore the others' leers and listen to what Dumbledore was telling them. But most of the stuff that was being discussed didn't interest him at all, all he cared about was Lily. Dumbledore, however, did not seem to think this was the most urgent topic to discuss. When the meeting finished, Severus stood up to ask Dumbledore about the Potters, and if their protection was sufficient, but Dumbledore disapparated before he could reach him.

A little lost, Severus stood in the corridor. Finding out if Lily was still safe was the only thing that mattered to him. It surprised him that Dumbledore didn't seem to care so much.

Marlene appeared before him and her dark, brown eyes looked at him carefully. "Are you all right? You look a little sick."

Severus smiled faintly. "I'm just tired, I guess."

"Ah, yes. I suppose being a spy is tiring." She gave him a scrutinising look. "And the arguments with other members of the Order... it's got to be exhausting, isn't it?"

He stared at her. "What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean. Why does everybody seem to hate you so much?"

Severus shrugged.

She rose an eyebrow. "Oh, come on. It's obvious everyone hates you and you know why."

Severus felt uncomfortable and wished he'd already disapparated. "Well, it's not a secret, is it? They doubt me because of the Dark Lord. Yes, I have been working with him, and yes, at a time, I thought he was right with what he did. But that time is over."

"Hey, don't get so fed up about it. I never said I didn't trust you."

"Thanks. Looks like you're the only one."

"Me, and Dumbledore," she corrected him. "So, what's the deal with you, Sirius, and Remus?"

"What do you mean?"

"I know they've been in the same year with you. And they are... talking about you."  
"I bet they are," Severus mumbled.

"I'm sorry. I'm making you feel uncomfortable, aren't I?"

Severus shrugged. "We just don't like each other, we never got along. It's a mutual feeling."

He moved towards the door. "I should go and catch some sleep. There's a Death Eater meeting tomorrow I can't miss."

She followed him outside. "Too bad," she said. "I thought maybe we could hang out a little, you know, forget about everything that's going on right now and have some fun. I enjoyed myself in a while."

For a second, Severus considered it. Hanging out with Marlene and having fun... It had its appeal. But then he thought of Lily, who couldn't leave her house and surely wasn't living an enjoyable life. Because of him.

He shook his head. "I can't," he said.

She smiled sadly and gave a shrug. "Maybe some other time?"

"Maybe," he mumbled.

He watched as her smile faded from her face. She turned around at once and said in a cold voice: "Well, goodnight then, Snape."

He watched her disappearing and sighed. For a moment he wished he hadn't turned her down, but then he shook his head. Marlene was a nice girl, but he didn't have the time or the head to spend time with other people. Besides, there was only one person he wanted to spend time with. A person he hadn't seen since they left school, a person he hadn't talked to in years. Why had everything gone so wrong?

* * *

Marlene did not talk to him a lot during the next meeting, but at least Dumbledore had brought up the Potters. He asked Severus what Voldemort's plans were.

"He hasn't found them yet," Severus explained. "He's convinced they've left the country, so we might want to provide him with false traces that prove his theory. But," he hesitated, "I would still be careful. He changes when he talks about the Potters, they're different from any other wizards. He gets so full of anger and passion – if he finds out where they are hiding, he won't hesitate to destroy their house so nothing's left of it – not the Potters, not anything else around the house that isn't at least 10 metres away." He coughed. "And we all have to admit the house at Godric's Hollow isn't a particular safe hiding place..."

"Godric's Hollow is as safe as any other place," Dumbledore said. "Let me worry about that. I will make sure the protection of the house is sufficient."

Severus frowned. He was wondering how Dumbledore wanted to achieve this "sufficiency." They had put all kinds of protective enchantments around the house, you couldn't apparate or disapparate inside or outside the grounds, and there were a bunch of wizards standing guard. How could you improve that?

For Voldemort, of course, it would be easy to break all of these protections, Severus knew that. He had worked for him long enough to know it wouldn't take him a day to break the enchantments.

* * *

"You're taking this very serious, aren't you?"

Severus looked up. Marlene had the habit of appearing before him just when he was about to leave the house – and she had the talent of making him want linger a little longer. She was talking to him more again, and he wondered why she bothered with him at all. Sirius was, like Remus had said, always around her, and he seemed to suit her way better as a conversation partner.

"I am," he said shortly.

She glanced at Sirius and Remus, who were still inside the room, arguing with Dumbledore. "I don't understand why they don't trust you. You've been of great help for us. If you were still a Death Eater, you wouldn't give away that information."

"Who knows. Maybe I'm fooling you," Severus said, smiling weakly.

"Well, I trust you," she said, taking his hand. "A lot."

Severus didn't know what to reply, so he just smiled awkwardly.

"It's Christmas in a week," she remarked.

Severus nodded.

"I've already told Dumbledore I'm taking a few days off. The Order is important, but I need some time for my family... And myself." She was still holding his hand. "What about you?" she asked. "Do you have a family or..."

"No," Severus said darkly. "I don't." Insecure, he looked down at their hands. "And I don't think I'll have much free time anyway. Death Eaters don't take a day off."

"I see," she said and gave a sad sigh. "I would have hoped you and I could spend some time together, but that won't happen, will it?"

"I'm very busy," Severus said.

"Yes, of course you are," she murmured.

Dumbledore came out of the room and looked at Marlene and Severus in surprise. "Still here?" he asked. "Is there something on your mind?"

Marlene shook his head, but Severus approached Dumbledore. "Dumbledore – a word, please? Privately?"

"Of course." Dumbledore and Severus went into the small chamber that seemed to have served as a kitchen once. "What is on your mind, Severus?"

"Lily Ev – Potter. I wanted to know how you intend to secure her, because I want to make sure it is – well, enough."

Dumbledore's friendly eyes seemed to change into a scowling glare. "I would like to keep that to myself," he said, "the less people know, the better."

"Maybe I could help!"

Dumbledore made a step backwards, and shook his head. "That's courageous of you, Severus, but you are helping the Order enough with spying for us. Besides, I won't trust you with something like that."

Severus stared at him. He wouldn't trust him to protect Lily? He was the person who had told him about Voldemort's plans!

"That's my last word. But Severus, I do appreciate your help, and I want to assure you that I will do everything – everything to keep the Potters safe. That includes not telling you." Dumbledore put his hand on the door handle. "Is there something else on your mind?"

Severus thought about Sirius and Remus, who kept bugging him, but he would never bother Dumbledore with something like that. They weren't kids anymore – besides, Dumbledore hadn't cared about their behaviour in school and he wouldn't care now. "No, that was all."

He had expected Marlene to have left by now, but she was still standing in the corridor, apparently waiting for them. Dumbledore gave her a surprised look, but didn't say anything. "Good night, Marlene, we'll see each other after Christmas."

She nodded and smiled at Dumbledore, then she turned to Severus. "Well, I hope your Death-Eater-stuff won't preoccupy you too much."

"No, not at all." Severus smiled. "Spying a little bit, how is that exhausting at all."

Marlene laughed. "You're funny," she said.

Severus frowned. "You think?"

"Yeah." She grinned at him, and Severus wished he could say something witty, but he didn't know what.

"I'm going to miss you the next couple of days," she said.

"It's only two weeks until your next Order meeting, isn't it?" he asked.

She took a breath. "Yeah, but... Two weeks is a long time. A lot can happen."

"I guess, yeah," he said.

"I could be hurt. You could be hurt."

"I guess," Severus said again, feeling a bit awkward, "but that can happen to anyone of us, at any time. We can never be sure nothing will happen."

"Yes," she said sadly.

For a moment there was silence, and Severus moved towards the door. "Well, see you in two weeks," he said.

She nodded and went outside with him. "See you in two weeks."

* * *

Severus flinched. He was sure he had heard something at the door – something, or someone. He reached for his wand and carefully moved towards the entrance. For a moment everything was quiet, then he heard – a knock.

Frowning and holding out his wand, Severus opened the door a little bit. As he saw who was standing outside, he opened the door completely and smiled relieved.

"Happy New Year, Severus," Marlene said, her smile growing wider.

"Happy New Year," he said. "Why are you here?" No one except for Dumbledore knew his address, and it made him feel uncomfortable, knowing that Marlene knew he lived at Spinner's End.

"I thought I'd visit you. I didn't see you at the last meeting."

"I was with the Death Eaters."

"Yeah, Dumbledore mentioned something like that. Can I come in?"

"What? Oh, erm, sure."

Severus stepped aside and she entered. He didn't like how she curiously examined everything. The building was shabby, and the furniture was old and battered. "Nice," she said.

Severus smiled weakly. "You don't have to lie. It's lousy. Can I offer you something to drink – tea, water? I don't have coffee."

"A tea would be nice, thanks."

They sat down at the kitchen table, both holding on to their cups. "Did I miss anything important last meeting?"

"The Prewetts are being followed, apparently. Dumbledore's afraid the Death Eaters might start fighting the Order more harshly, so he asked us to be even more careful than usual, and to expand our security measures."

Severus nodded thoughtfully. When he had met Dumbledore this week, he had told him that he had provided the protection for Lily Potter. He still wouldn't tell him what this protection was all about, so all Severus could do was hoping it was enough.

"And... the boy is dead."

Severus stared. "What boy?"

"The one Remus and I tried to safe last year. Who was bitten by Greyback. He seemed to recover fine, but..."

She stopped talking and gave a soft cry. Severus didn't know what to do. "I'm sorry, Marlene."

She took a deep breath, and Severus offered her a tissue. "We did all we could," she said, "but the bite was..." She shook her head. "Greyback is a beast, a monster."

Severus nodded. He couldn't agree more; even when he had still been faithful to the Dark Lord he had never liked Greyback. He was vicious and aggressive, all he cared about was how many lives he could tear apart. Many Death Eaters were ruthless, but Greyback was different from all of them. He thought about what would happen if Greyback layed his hands on Lily Potter, and for a moment he was almost glad the Dark Lord insisted on going after the Potters himself. But he had to stop thinking about Lily whilst he was with Marlene; it wasn't fair she didn't get the attention she deserved.

Because even if Severus didn't want to admit it to himself, he liked Marlene. A lot.

She stared at the table and seemed lost in her thoughts. "It's just, you always wonder whether you have done enough. Whether we could have saved him, and just weren't quick enough, or skilled enough. It drives me crazy."

"I'm sure you did everything you could," Severus said quietly. "It's not your fault."

"I guess it's not, but it will still keep me awake at night and haunt me in my dreams." She gave a sad laugh. "You probably think I'm over-sensitive."

Severus shook his head. "No. On the contrary, it wouldn't be human if you didn't think about it at all."

"Sometimes I wish I would think less. Might make everything less complicated."

"Possibly."

She blew her nose and then took a deep breath. "I should probably go; I've already stolen enough of your time. Thanks for the tea."

"You don't have to go. It's my free evening."

"Really?" She looked at him in surprise. "No meetings with our or their side? Nothing you have to do for You-Know-Who?"

"Well, yes," Severus admitted, "but not until midnight. I'm supposed to spy for the master with a couple of Death Eaters."

"It's weird you call him master."

"Just an habit, if you spend so much time with them."

"Hmm, yeah, I guess. Remus and Sirius would say that proves you're still loyal to him."

"And what do you say?"

"I've told you before, I believe you. Who are you supposed to be spying on?"

"Dumbledore," Severus said. "See if he's in Hogwarts, what he's doing. The others think it's because he wants to find out how he's helping the Potters, but Dumbledore and I have a different idea. It seems he's afraid of Dumbledore."

"Well, he's right to be," she said. "What are you going to tell him?"

"The truth, or at least bits of it. It's important he thinks I'm informed and that I please him. I must be careful not to lose my cover."

"It's a dangerous thing to do. He'd kill you if he'd find out."

"Well," Severus said, "if I quit my existence as a Death Eater, he'd kill me as well, if I left the Order, Dumbledore would kill me, so I think that's the only option there is."

"Hm," she said, obviously thinking, "so you're only in the Order so Dumbledore won't kill you? That's an odd reason, don't you think?"

"It's not the only reason," Severus said, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. They were once again approaching the subject he wanted to avoid.

"You're an intriguing man, Severus Snape." It sounded admiring.

"I think you are very interesting as well."

She moved her chair a little closer to his, and took his hand. "Too bad you have only until midnight," she said, her voice very quiet now, "and too bad we're in the middle of a war, because if we weren't, I would like to... " She stopped and moved even closer.

Severus looked into her face, wondering if he was thinking the right thing. "What?" he asked, his voice not louder than hers.

Instead of an answer, Marlene bent forward and touched his face with her lips. She started at his cheeks and then moved closer to the area around his mouth. "...kiss you now," she whispered.

For a moment Severus wanted to move away, but instead, he moved forward and gave her a long, passionate kiss.

Severus had never kissed someone in his life; in his imagination, he had kissed Lily a thousand of times, but as he found out now, experiencing a kiss and imagining a kiss where two completely different things.

As soon as this thought came to his mind, he drew back from Marlene with a sudden movement. She wasn't Lily. And while he liked her, more than other girls, he never wanted to kiss anybody, except for Lily. He couldn't do this.

Marlene had had her eyes closed and opened them now, looking both confused and hurt. "What..." she started, "what is it? Didn't you... Wasn't it nice?"

"I..." Severus looked in her eyes. Her brown eyes. He didn't want to hurt her. He liked her too much to lose her. But he couldn't love her. "I'm sorry, Marlene," he said, and he hated to hear a tremble in his voice.

Her eyes grew wide. "I – well, I'm sorry, Severus, for coming here and bothering you. I'd better not come here – "

"No, hold on, Marlene, it's not that," Severus tried to explain.

She frowned at him. "Then what is it?" She took a deep breath. "Severus, I don't expect you to say you liked it if you didn't. But I'd better be going now."

"But I did like it! Marlene, I liked kissing you."

She stared at him. "I'm not mad at you if you just tell me the truth. You didn't like it, that's okay. It's not like anything happened between us, so no harm done."

"Look, Marlene, please, just listen for a second. Our kiss – it was probably the best thing that happened to me in a long while. One of the best things that happened in my entire life. Yes, I did enjoy it and I wish – " He stopped, knowing how stupid he must sound. It was true he had loved kissing Marlene, and if he could, he would kiss her right now. He'd kiss her and forget everything around him, Dumbledore, the Lord, the war. But there was one thing he couldn't forget. Not in his entire life. He wished he could talk about Lily with Marlene, but even if he could talk to her about everything else, he obviously couldn't explain to her that he couldn't kiss her without thinking about the woman who owned his heart.

"Please don't go," he said, "we still have over an hour until midnight. You could just stay here and drink another cup of tea, before I'm heading to my appointment tonight."

She shook her head. "Thanks, but I'll catch some sleep," she said. "I'll see you next Sunday."

Severus bit his lip. "All right," he said, raising from his chair and leading her to the door.

"I really am sorry," he said, as she walked outside.

She turned around, and gave him a brief smile. "See you around, Severus."

Severus nodded and closed the door. As soon as he was alone, he abruptly felt more tired than he had ever felt in his life. His legs gave in and he fell down on the floor, where he remained, with his eyes shut. Out of sudden, he felt like crying, but he didn't even have the strength for a single tear. He just kept laying on the floor, wondering what just happened, still tasting Marlene's lipstick on his lips.

* * *

Severus had never craved for a friend, but now he wished he had someone to talk to, someone who would help him understanding what was happening. He had been thinking losing Lily was already the worst that could happen to him; now Marlene had stepped into his life and instead of getting easier, things got even more messed up.

At least, he had his mind focussed on other things; not being killed, for instance. But every free minute he had, he was wondering about what Marlene was doing, and how she would treat him at their next meeting.

However, the next time the Order was assembling, changed everything.

* * *

Severus was late, for the first time. But it wasn't all his fault; his master had kept him longer. Severus had a bit of a headache, now; although he was very skilled at Occlumency, it was exhausting to close your mind so thoroughly, especially if the wizard opposite you was the Dark Lord.

He entered the room and automatically, he looked at the seat where Marlene was sitting. But to his surprise, she wasn't there and instead, Sirius was sitting in the chair. He looked around the table, but couldn't spot her.

With a frown, he sat down next to Dumbledore. It wasn't like Marlene to miss a meeting. And the atmosphere in the room was fearsome. When he looked into Dumbledore's face and saw that one of his blue eyes were somehow teary, he didn't need to hear what Dumbledore had to tell them.

Marlene was dead.

* * *

Severus rose from his chair very slowly. He felt like his legs couldn't move. Sirius, however, got up and stormed off. Dumbledore looked after him with a worried expression on his face. Remus got up as well and ran after Sirius as well. Dumbledore smiled sadly.

Severus looked away and left the room with his gaze fixed on the floor. Why didn't anyone come to him? Sirius was fed up, and Lupin and Dumbledore started to worry. He had been filled with grief his entire life, and who came after him?

Outside, he could hear Sirius and Remus yelling at each other.

"Let me go," Sirius howled, trying to release himself from Remus' hands. "Let me go and find them."

"Sirius, please. Use your common sense."

"I don't care about common sense! I want to kill!" Sirius yelled. "And you won't stop me. Let go of me!"

"Sirius, you can't do this. You... you just can't!"

"Don't tell me what I can and can't do! Let the hell go of me!"

"Sirius, you behave like a fool," Remus said firmly. "Go back inside and sit down for a moment. I don't want you to go anywhere until you're thinking straight again. You'll get yourself killed if you're reckless like that."

Sirius didn't answer as he struggled to get away from Remus.

Severus, who still stood behind them, snorted quietly.

Sirius hadn't noticed him before; now that he spotted his old enemy he pushed Remus away with all of his force and jumped towards Severus.

With an expression as if he wanted to kill him, he raised his wand, but Remus was quicker. He seized Sirius and dragged him away from him. "Severus, you should better be going," he panted. "Come on, Padfoot, let's go back inside."

Severus rose an eyebrow. He was about to say something, but no scornful comment came to his mind. "Thanks, Lupin," he merely said. "I wouldn't have expected people who can't control themselves to be allowed to be part of the Order, but apparently..." He gave Sirius a cold look. "I was wrong."

* * *

Back in his house, all his coolness was gone. He sat down on the kitchen table and made himself a cup of tea. But when he rose the cup to his mouth, his hand was shaking so much he let go of it, and it smashed on the floor.

He didn't even care. He was tired and put his head on the surface of the table. A tear was rolling down his cheek, but he wiped it away. He didn't want to cry.

Severus found out he envied Sirius. Maybe, if he was able to let his feelings out, he would feel better. But he suppressed them. He always had. But the main difference between him and Sirius was, people wanted to comfort Sirius, they didn't want to see him feeling miserable.

Marlene had been the only person who had cared about him. So had Lily, but he had screwed it up. Both times.

He didn't even know if he loved her. He would never find out whether it had been love, or just the hope to fill the hole in his heart. Marlene had given him all the love Lily had never given him. But he hadn't been able to return it, and he wasn't sure whether he was glad about it or not.

He didn't know anything anymore. Only one thing was for certain: He would protect Lily, if it was the last thing he did. And he would honour Marlene for the rest of his life.


End file.
